A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting
dressed.
She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?"

Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a
secret."

The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between
Daddy's legs?"

Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know,
he won't tell me."

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally
figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush! "

"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.

"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in
and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."

Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.


Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:
Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)

Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)

Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)

Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)

Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "

Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)

Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)

Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)

Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)

Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".

Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.

Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.

Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise

Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".

Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".

Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)

Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".

The Cars connection is a reviews website about cars with informations like toyota venza and lexus is the cars page also have photos, classifieds and informations about insurance, finance and tips about this and others vehicles to help you to do the best choice.
If you are looking for a suv or for a more economic and ecologic option, the cars connection is the best option in internet do to this comparation and buy the best car for you.
The search can be very specific, you can include year, price, model and brand. You can see a example here: wagons volvo.

A news paper had a humour page with following matrimonials published in it.

BANKER:

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

CAR MECHANIC:

Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average
and must run the household at a good average.

DOCTOR:

Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage.
I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded
and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin.
I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.

DRUNKER:

Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory.
I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home.
Friends come home only seven times a week.
Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar.
Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

LAWYER:

I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage.
The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.
Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained.
Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER

Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features
(privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities) .


There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.
LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.

It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year has ONLY 365' days.

Typical academic year for a student.

1. Sundays-52,Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest.
Days left 313.

2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study.
Days left 263..

3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 130 days.
Days left 141..

4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health) means 15 days.

Days left 126.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies(chew properly & eat)-means 30days.

Days left 96.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days !

Days left 81.

7. Exam days per year atleast 35 days.
Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days.

Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness atleast 3 days.

Remaining days 3.

10. Movies and functions atleast 2 days.

1 day left.

11. That 1 day is your birthday. "How can you study at that day?"
Balance days 0

How can a student PASS???

I was invited to talk about Farreys.com

Farreys is a website/e-shop that offer a lot of solutions in lighting, lights, lamps, outdoor lighting and more for interior and exterior lightning;

The site have a incredible number of brands like Ambience, Fine Art Lamps, Flos, Quoizel and all expressive brands in this niche.

France - Pegeout (Sports GT)

England - Porsche

Japan - Lancer Evo IX...Max speed 280km/hr

German - Lamborghini (G0allardo) ...max speed 320km/hr

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.

Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'

'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.

So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?

Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000'

'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???'

'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!'

An recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job,
but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
little math test.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy."
And he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make
nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time the number
is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks
up the picture that he has ust drawn and makes a
smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do
you get that to represent 99?"


"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree,
and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

"All right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."

The Italian man stares into space some more, then he
picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at
the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if
you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at
the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came
along and poops by each tree. So now you got dirty
tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree
and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!



Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.


Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one)


Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find! anelephant with one hand.

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night.

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half.

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid

Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question.

Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this. "What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted in! to reality as his admission depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's the DAY sir!"

"How" the interviewer asked,

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said....

'Coffee Break.....do your stuff.'

Coffee Break jumped to his feet..........

Ate the cookies........

Drank the milk.............

Crapped on the paper....................

Screwed the other three cats........

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.................

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.

Put in for Workers Compensation........and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..............!!!!!!!!!!

AUDI: Accelerates Under Downward Influence

BMW: Big Money Works

CHEVROLET: Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE: Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT: Fix It All the Time

FORD: Fix Or Repair Daily

GMC: Garage Man's Companion

HONDA: Had One, Never Did Again

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing is Drivable and Inexpensive

SAAB: Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

JEEP: Junk Engineering Executed Poorly

TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO: Very Odd-Looking Vehicular Object

PONTIAC: Poor Old Nigger Think's Its A Caddilac

ACURA: Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile

AMC: Another Major Catastrophe.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot,
the dots will remain only one color, pink



However, if you stare at the black ' + ' in the center of the picture,
the moving dot turns to green .

Now, really concentrate on the black ' + ' in the center of the picture.

After a short period, all the pink dots will slowly disappear,
and you will only see only a single green dot rotating.

If you lose your concentration on focusing on the black ' + '
(by tracking the movement of the green dot), the pink dots will reappear.

 Have you choice your winner in the BoB Awards?

I recommend Sean Connery! Why?

-Sir Sean Connery ranked first among the Male British movie actors in the Orange Film Survey of 10,000 voters.

-Received a Knighthood from Britain's Elizabeth, Queen on New Year's Eve, 1999.

-Starring as King Richard in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991), Connery got $250,000 for two days work. He donated it to charity.

And know? Do you know why? I will tell you more reasons to vote for Sean in Blog Awards:

-His performance as James Bond in the 007 films is ranked #5 on Premiere Magazine's 100 Greatest Movie Characters of All Time.

-Said in an interview that during the filming of Never Say Never Again, he was taking martial arts lessons and in the process angered the instructor who in turn broke his wrist. Connery stayed with the wrist broken for a number of years thinking it was only a minor pain... the instructor was Steven Seagal.

"Please nominate me in the Best of the Best Awards." - Sean Connery (Or not)

Click to Resize

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

1.NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.



2.EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



3.MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



4.BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.



5.ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.



7.FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



8.SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



9.MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.



10.DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



11.NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



12.OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Humor Tribe isn't just a jokes/funny pictures blog, We also talk about usefull/fun sites around the web. Today I will talk about Online Casino Lobby and somethings about cassino online.

Online Casino Lobby Website
1.First of all you can play with this website from Any Location, actually gamblers don't need to travel all the way to the land-based casino just to enjoy the fun of playing their favorite casino games. All you need is an internet connection.
2. Online casino allows you play diferrent games simultaneously, It's phisicaly impossible at land-based casino.
3. You can request to withdraw the money safelu into your bank account, credit card, paypal and others. Comparing to the land-based casino, you need to carry cash along or withdraw cash at the ATM located at casino and after that you need to change the money into casino chips before you can play the games. Online casinos provide easy money transaction that automatically deposit money into your player's account
4. None can distract you! You can play without disturbing sounds from dealers and other players.
5. You have a lot of options! There are far more online casinos than the land-based casinos in the world. More options, more quality!

The above advantages are among the key reasons that make many gamblers choose to play their favorite casino games online. Acess www.onlinecasinolobby.com and prove that’s advantages are real.