A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.

It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says “what are you doing?” - and they say “we’re saving it for later!”

Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says “What size? small, medium, or large?” She said “I dont know… one to fit a camel?”

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John.”

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave, how ya doin?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser”. “No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey,” she says, “Want your usual table dance?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it– stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.” “That’s when I made my big mistake.” “What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!” “I don’t remember much after that!”

Kramer goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown”.

Kramer just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, “Are you Ok?”

In a very weak voice Kramer says, “Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?” The big dude says, “When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I’d give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. “I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

Kramer said, “Oh Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn Around’”

A rural family was given some venison from a friend. The wife carefully prepared deer steaks and served it to her husband and their children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what they were eating for dinner.

“Is is beef?” The daughter Julie asked.
“Nope.”

“Is it pork?” the son Will asked.
“Nope.”

“Heck, we don’t know, Dad!” Will exclaimed.

“I’ll give you a clue,” the Husband said, “It’s what your mom sometimes calls me.”

“Spit it out, Will!” cried Julie, “We’re eating Asshole!”

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept asecret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. ‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose?’ she asked. ‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.’